Tottyland

Please don't breed

Why is it that some straight people the moment after they find out someone's gay or bi ask 'Do you have sex with other men/women?'

No it means I like flying kites on Tuesdays when there's a P in the month. Of course a sarcy response like that usually produces an even blanker look from the poor sport scientist.

The next question usually involves if you find them (or someone else in the room attractive). 'Well actually I've wanted to shag your brains out but I've not been able to find them' or 'You're ugly and me being bi doesn't change that'.

'Does it hurt?'

'When you think?'

'No when you...you know...'

'Dance a tango in the middle of Broad Street?'

'You're making fun of me' [Only just noticed?]

‘Yes but in my taking the piss and imagining you without clothes way’

And the wander through straight confusion over what two men can do to each other in bed goes on. I pity anyone if you have to explain lesbian sex… 'Do they use their hands?'

Well as quickly as an antiwar protester gets violent I try and leave but then that Rasmus song 'In the Shadows' comes on and our resident great mind, we'll call him Jamie, for that's what his name is, is thinking (if that's not being too generous) 'shadows > closet > gay'. I'm at the time wondering how a body like that could be attached to such an ugly face. Overcompensating?

Anyway fortunately he grasp the concept that I didn't want to discuss it further with him.

Sadly pubs now at weekends can be like the Oxford Union or a women's changing room, full of twats.

I know a post that's an excession of silliness and not totty which is what you (or 99% of you) are here for. I blame the Government. It wasn't like it under the Conservatives (as many call girls will tell you).

Oh Jamie, Jamie how was I supposed to know...you were that naive.

In a complete subject change (which is useful when the family photos come out ('Oh this is Bill when he was 4 and I got him dressed in that hideous sailor's outfit so I could embarrass him with it twenty years later')) is it me or does the new chap on Hollyoaks have no acting ability at all? Off with his shirt time I suspect. Oh and he's not that chap in the 'he can read' cereal ad is he?

In another change of subject as I'm managing to be independently happy for a bit I'd like to say being in a couple is highly overrated (and you get less sex). Or perhaps blogging is cathartic in a subconscious way. As I suggested to the kind Emailer who said I should Email Mike Weeks and offer him something to climb on (whatever that means) one bit of totty might read this and suggest a night of Risk (Always try and get South America) followed by a few hands of Bridge. Honestly there are easier pulling strategies but Mike if you want too...

Pointless fact for you to end this rant when asked what Oxford was named after most tourists didn't know. One great mind suggested Oxford in Canada.

I bet Jamie knows.

And if you haven't guessed I can't sleep again...insomnia is fun (and not just north of Fire Island).